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Monday, January 13, 2014

About a mom and a wax strip. That's right. A wax strip.

I recently read a story of a mom and a waxing experience she will NEVER be able to live down, and it made me think of my own experience that was actually oddly familiar and similar to hers. I decided that since I haven't written for you guys in a while, instead of simply sharing HER story, I thought I'd throw all of my modesty out on the table for ya, so hold on to your seat and turn on those visuals.

Do you guys remember the Nad's hair removal waxing system? That shit doesn't work. If you were a new mom around 2005, with your boob in your rug-rats mouth at 2 in the morning, you know the product I'm talking about. A mom and a couple of hairy sisters started making this product out of their kitchen. You know the whole song and dance. Its virtually pain free, due to the special infused fruit extract that opens your pores and releases the hair follicles before you even pull the strip. They even did it to themselves on LIVE TV. Its not true! They lied. Lied so hard. But at Infomercial O'clock, and being a new mom with a newborn resting on my new fluffy pillow that once wore the HELL out of a sexy little bandeau bikini top, I'm sitting here actually DROOLING at the thought of being one of those girls again. And this was my ticket. This IS my ticket back to my skimpy bikini. Now if I could just reach my credit card without this nipple bandit waking up and latching back on like an evil leach - like milk monger.

So here I am sitting in the bathroom, with my ticket back to the wonder years. I read the directions and the included testimonials very carefully. JUST KIDDING. I'm a first time parent. I didn't have time for that, and its pretty self explanatory, right? So down to business. Apply the wax, put the strip on top and...... RIP!! Oh, crap..... I hear movement from the other room. Lets get this party started ladies, before the party pooper wakes up.... and poops.

Let's go ahead and start with those newly developed, postpartum, rogue chin hairs. Apply a thin layer of wax, smooth on the cloth strip, and rip off against the grain.... Hmm..... Not bad. At. All. It felt pretty good, actually. I feel really good about this. So on and on with the waxing of the face. (Due to the mass amounts of testosterone AND hormones let out at.... child birth?... or am I just that hairy??

So here I am, in my bathroom... naked. You see where I'm going with this? Yeah, thought so. I look down, and then back at myself in the mirror... second guessing. Ah! Tweezers. (You should always test a small area with anything you do to your body, hair dye, new cover up, creams..) Ill tweeze a small area and see what the damage is going to feel like first, like dipping your toe in the pool before you jump in. Like any relationship. Dip a toe in before you jump in.. Wait....? Okay, I digress. Back to tweezing.. It wasn't as bad as I thought.. I can do this. Just a month ago, I pushed an actual 9 pound human being out of my hooha. I'm strong. Ive sooo got this!

Apply a thin layer of wax, smooth the cloth strip on, and RI.. SSSSHHIIIIIITTTTTT!!!!! GAUGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Where is my vagina?? I'm numb! Why cant I feel anything?? Is this what fainting feels like? Am I in shock? Wonder if the kiddo heard me?? Why am I drooling?? Thank God! There is my vagina! Why the F is there still hair on it?? It didn't work?? Is it SUPPOSED to look like that?? I have to do this again. I have to. Ive come so far, I cant give in to the torture. I'm panicking. I'm a panicking, hyperventilating mess. I'm pacing back and forth in the bathroom... naked.... with a swollen vajajay... going over my pro / con list in my head. Sweating... I just need to breath... Ill sit down and let the infuriating pain wear off for a minute, bear down and finish the job. After this is over, I will have the smoothest skin in town for 8 weeks. That's two months!..... Bad idea! Sitting down, that is. My fucking leg is attached to the leftover wax on my vag! If I move, Its going to rip away my skin. That's what it feels like! I am terrified to move at this point. What if i CANT move at this point?? What if I have to call the fire dept?? Do they help with this sort of thing??... Ive actually wondered this a couple of times. Don't ask. Just Don't. I will slowly move to the tub, turn on the warm water and soak it off. That's what Ill do. And..... That's how it happened. I bet you're wondering... Did you finish?? Hell yeah I did! But, no... nope.

As a matter of fact, here I am 8 years later sporting this sexy swim wear.





AND THIS.





The moral to this story..... find a nice German woman to wax your shit. They look mean, and they are, but they know more than you do, sleep deprived at 2 in the morning with a zombie latched on to your bleeding nipple, watching infomercials, dreaming to one day fit into your favorite pair summer shorts. In December.
You're welcome.


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