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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

And this is how climbing a large, scary rock might have saved me from myself.

I don't want you guys to say, "Aww... shit! This is bitch is getting serious!" I'll add some humor into this post to break up all the "Aww.. shit! This bitch is getting serious!"

So here it is. I had this moment of clarity and reflection on the drive home this morning. This is a serious post and shit is going to get deep. And personal. I really want to share this piece of me with you all though, so deal.

I just got out of a serious relationship recently, and let me tell you how broken I was, and am at times, but it's getting a little better. Day by day. Our family is separating, and the boys and I are moving on. The packing and house hunting and explaining to the kids what's going on is heart and gut wrenching. And I'll leave it at that. Most of you have been there as well, so it's not like I'm the all mighty trail blazer of ended relationships or any shit like that. It's tough, and we figure our shit out for the kids and make it happen. Some days are harder than others, and you hit this wall, and you think, "I can't do this. It's impossible. I can't go any further than this. This sucks." And you throw yourself a little pity party with a glass or four of Cab and fall asleep thinking you've just given up, and telling yourself how much life sucks huge balls. And it does. Life DOES suck. Breakups DO suck. And then you get off your ass and do something about it.

Now, on to the butt of the story. A friend of mine invited me on this rock climbing / camping trip out to the middle of nowhere, far, far, away. I was a bit nervous and anxious and excited, but also stressed. I didn't want to go because I had so much shit to get taken care of here. I was going to work all weekend, and house hunt and pack. On the other hand, it was a holiday weekend and I had not a single child. All Weekend. Long. Moms take serious advantage of that shit, for sure! After a lot of nudging and coaxing, I agreed to go. It was one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

So hey, you know how you meet someone and maybe they're just in your life for a short time, but make one of the largest impressions and teach you a major life lesson before they leave? I have this friend, the one that hassled me into going on this escapade into no man's land. I'm not saying she is going anywhere, because she might be in my life for a very long time. Maybe as a lesson or reminder, or maybe as a long time friend and companion. Who the fuck knows, right? And that's not the point anyway. The point is, I think she is this angel is disguise, brought here to teach me to persevere, and rise above. She came into my life in one of my lowest emotional points and brought me back to life. Too deep? I threw up a little too. I will get back on point though, I promise! 

So, we get to the camp site and set up and immediately start the long hike to the cliffs we're all going to climb. WTF? You guys don't waste any time, heh?  Now, let me just key you in on some info on my rock climbing background. Once I get to the 3rd rung of a 6 foot ladder, I shake and wrap myself around it, holding on for my dear life until someone comes to get me down. I also stare at my feet when I walk so I won't trip and fall on my face. I still trip and fall on my face. I fall, not just down the stairs a couple times a week, but up them as well. So climbing 100 foot, ancient escarpments? Sure. Piece. Of. Cake. While I'm lounging on a couple rocks I've managed to turn into a very comfortable recliner at the bottom. Oh, that looks simple enough, and everyone else is doing it. The first day I get all geared up and start climbing. 10 feet. "Let me the fuck down. Now!" At that point, I realized I didn't want to go out that way. I didn't climb the rest of the day.

This was the first day, that turned into ........


The next day, we head out pretty early for a whole day of climbing. Everyone is climbing, and I'm, you guessed it, chilling at the bottom, taking pictures and thinking, "I can totally do this. Let's give it another shot." And I do. And I get about 20 feet, and come back down. Nope, still scared of plummeting to my death just as soon as the ONE rope tied to basically a belt loop gives out. I still thought, "Well they both just climbed this same rock without a hitch, I can freaking do this too."

So, I got back up there. 20 foot up, I wanted to come back down, but I didn't. I figured my shit out and kept climbing. Every few feet I asked to come down, but this time instead of being lowered down, I took a minute, chalked up my hands and climbed a little more, and a little more until I REACHED THE FUCKING TOP of this ginormous thing! I really had a hard time trying to find my bearings and figure out where to put my feet and what I can confidently hold on to, so that I do not plummet to my death. I hit this wall sometimes (literally). Like really hit a rock wall. (I have a bruises.) But figuratively as well.  But I figured it out and finished. I didn't give up, even though I wanted to, and no one else gave up on me either. And that's life, folks.

                                                                     And then, this turned into.......


I hit this wall sometimes in life and want to give up. I get these feelings that I can't go any further. There is no where to plant my feet and nothing to grab a hold of. But there always is and you make it through. You just do. It's that simple. Just step back and take a moment to plan your next move and take the step.

I'm entering into a new, exciting chapter in my life. Just me and my boys. Of course it's scary, stressful and nerve wrecking as well, because it's all outside our comfort zones. We will make it through though. We always have before and will continue to. This is just another adventure for us.

I'm not certain who the angel is here. Whether it's the friend that nagged like a whiny housewife, or if it was the giant wall of exhilarating torture. Either way, so much gratitude is owed for my moment of clarity I was given this weekend. Thank you soo FUCKING much!!

(I'm sending virtual glitter and cheap wine your way. You're welcome.)

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Saturday, May 11, 2013

A Happy Mother's Day to the most embarrasing person on the planet.

Guess who is the most embarrassing person in society? Nope. Not the people that wear their pants around their knees. Or the people that blow people up for fun. Not potential "rapey" (spell check?) kidnapper looking people that drive "rapey", kidnapping looking vans. and not even "the people of Walmart". You know exactly who they are. Moms. That's right fellow moms. You guys didn't even need a second guess. To all the gals out there with washboard tummies and perky TaTa's thinking, "I cannot WAIT to have a baby", consider this birth control. To the Moms that only get to shower twice a week, walk around for days with a shriveled cheerio on the bottom of your foot because you're too exhausted and lazy to remove it, and for those of you that get kicked out of the bus stop because you have a huge pimple on your forehead... Happy Fucking Mother's Day to us! Cheers! I'm always hiding under my bed drinking wine and reading, "I just want to pee alone" with you in spirit.

Some of my most treasured memories of things my kids have said to me that would have had me hunkered in the girls room smoking a cigarette and crying in 3rd hour, my freshman year of high school. We have all had one of these moments. Google it. or "Yahoo answers" it.

While applying makeup one morning, Paul says, "Hey Mom, you missed a spot."
"Oh yeah? Where?"
"Your face."

You're fucking kidding me, kid. Grounded. The end.

Alex cuddles up on my lap and squeezes my belly, "Your belly is squishy like a "kooshy" ball. (I don't even know how to spell that since he made that word up).

Paul asks how he was born. Like a good parent I say, "Google it". The next day he walks in on me while I'm still naked, and says, "Eww! Mom! Put that all away! We don't need to see that!"
Well, now he knows, I guess. That's anatomy 101 in our house.

Alex comes up to me while I'm getting dressed one morning and says, "Why do you have all those holes all over your legs and your butt?"
Uh.... that's cellulite, kiddo, but thanks. You're a doll.

Have I mentioned that I have been kicked out of the bus stop. IMO too embarrassing to stand there with him. I just want to give him hugs and kisses goodbye before he runs onto the bus like a big boy that doesn't need his mommy anymore. I guess I'm THAT mom. I don't mean to be. I'm a coddler. (Spell check hates that word). I'm a door mat for my kids. They will appreciate me when I'm bailing them out of financial stress and probably jail. I can't even walk him into the school anymore. If the sliding door of the mini van was able to open while your moving, he would take a running leap out of it while I'm still driving 5.6 miles an hour through the parking lot. (that's basically the speed limit)

I did get a  nice call from the counselor about Paul telling everyone at school that I'm in a rock band. That was pretty cool. The only time I've been in a rock band is when I'm singing HOLE in a karaoke bar. Enough said.

Paul has even attempted to run away because I'm "the worst mom ever!"

Paul has also thrown up on me, pooped on me, peed on me, spit on me, snotted on me. (damn it, spell check!), sweat on me, stepped on me, climbed on me, poked me in the eye, head butted me, cursed at me, farted on me... and on  and on. Who's really the embarrassing one?

Alex- Same thing. Who's embarrassing now, dirt machines?

Yeah. That's right. You are. Except that kids have no modesty, so they don't embarrass easily.

And neither do moms. At least not after that kind of major event where you have 12 different doctors and nurses sticking hands and all kinds of other crap up your ever-expanding vajayjay every half hour for nearly 26 hours.

We aren't embarrassing. They are. Well,

actually we all are. At least at our house.

I will end by wishing a very Happy Mothers Day to all the Moms! Expecting moms, or even the moms with tweens that still use the "new mother" parking spots because you still feel like a "new mother". For the "trying to be a new mom", Hahahahahhaaha!

If you like these a little bit and want to read more, please subscribe so you never miss another HILARIOUS rant. If you want to see more funny pictures of my dirt machines and more posts PLEASE visit us and like us at