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Saturday, May 11, 2013

A Happy Mother's Day to the most embarrasing person on the planet.

Guess who is the most embarrassing person in society? Nope. Not the people that wear their pants around their knees. Or the people that blow people up for fun. Not potential "rapey" (spell check?) kidnapper looking people that drive "rapey", kidnapping looking vans. and not even "the people of Walmart". You know exactly who they are. Moms. That's right fellow moms. You guys didn't even need a second guess. To all the gals out there with washboard tummies and perky TaTa's thinking, "I cannot WAIT to have a baby", consider this birth control. To the Moms that only get to shower twice a week, walk around for days with a shriveled cheerio on the bottom of your foot because you're too exhausted and lazy to remove it, and for those of you that get kicked out of the bus stop because you have a huge pimple on your forehead... Happy Fucking Mother's Day to us! Cheers! I'm always hiding under my bed drinking wine and reading, "I just want to pee alone" with you in spirit.

Some of my most treasured memories of things my kids have said to me that would have had me hunkered in the girls room smoking a cigarette and crying in 3rd hour, my freshman year of high school. We have all had one of these moments. Google it. or "Yahoo answers" it.

While applying makeup one morning, Paul says, "Hey Mom, you missed a spot."
"Oh yeah? Where?"
"Your face."

You're fucking kidding me, kid. Grounded. The end.

Alex cuddles up on my lap and squeezes my belly, "Your belly is squishy like a "kooshy" ball. (I don't even know how to spell that since he made that word up).

Paul asks how he was born. Like a good parent I say, "Google it". The next day he walks in on me while I'm still naked, and says, "Eww! Mom! Put that all away! We don't need to see that!"
Well, now he knows, I guess. That's anatomy 101 in our house.

Alex comes up to me while I'm getting dressed one morning and says, "Why do you have all those holes all over your legs and your butt?"
Uh.... that's cellulite, kiddo, but thanks. You're a doll.

Have I mentioned that I have been kicked out of the bus stop. IMO too embarrassing to stand there with him. I just want to give him hugs and kisses goodbye before he runs onto the bus like a big boy that doesn't need his mommy anymore. I guess I'm THAT mom. I don't mean to be. I'm a coddler. (Spell check hates that word). I'm a door mat for my kids. They will appreciate me when I'm bailing them out of financial stress and probably jail. I can't even walk him into the school anymore. If the sliding door of the mini van was able to open while your moving, he would take a running leap out of it while I'm still driving 5.6 miles an hour through the parking lot. (that's basically the speed limit)

I did get a  nice call from the counselor about Paul telling everyone at school that I'm in a rock band. That was pretty cool. The only time I've been in a rock band is when I'm singing HOLE in a karaoke bar. Enough said.

Paul has even attempted to run away because I'm "the worst mom ever!"

Paul has also thrown up on me, pooped on me, peed on me, spit on me, snotted on me. (damn it, spell check!), sweat on me, stepped on me, climbed on me, poked me in the eye, head butted me, cursed at me, farted on me... and on  and on. Who's really the embarrassing one?

Alex- Same thing. Who's embarrassing now, dirt machines?

Yeah. That's right. You are. Except that kids have no modesty, so they don't embarrass easily.

And neither do moms. At least not after that kind of major event where you have 12 different doctors and nurses sticking hands and all kinds of other crap up your ever-expanding vajayjay every half hour for nearly 26 hours.

We aren't embarrassing. They are. Well,

actually we all are. At least at our house.

I will end by wishing a very Happy Mothers Day to all the Moms! Expecting moms, or even the moms with tweens that still use the "new mother" parking spots because you still feel like a "new mother". For the "trying to be a new mom", Hahahahahhaaha!

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