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Thursday, April 25, 2013

I told my kids they could be anything they want to be when they grow up.

We all have these conversations with our kids. "What do you want to be when you grow up?", hoping that they will say, "rich and successful so that I can take care of you for a change, Mommy". They don't. Instead they ask for money, clothes and food. Get a job, I say. That's how our conversations start every time. They ask for dinner, and it seems like the most opportune time to chat about their future. These careers go in no particular order, as these children come up with their career choices mainly from a couple of our favorite nannies. You probably know them as Bob the Builder, Dinosaur Train, Martha the talking dog, Bobby's World (which have I mentioned how I cannot stand that boy?), etc.

Paul - Paramedic: When Paul took his first ride in an ambulance, he thought it was THE coolest thing in the world. After they drugged him, of course. And the girls were so spoiling him. He was fascinated with all the equipment and other stuff inside and kind of had a blast. (Even though the Momma was getting self medicated with, you guessed it, xanax and red wine). Oh, and there are sirens and lights and they can go really fast and get in front of people on the road.

 Alex - A dinosaur robot: A dinosaur robot is an excellent career choice because you get to walk? ride? around on wheels and fix things. You have really big muscles to pick things up with. (like your damn toys!!). The most important reason to pick a dinosaur robot as your future source of income.... You get to walk around like a robot with the arms of Tyrannosaurus Rex. (Insert image of a robot dancing around with Tyrannosaurus Rex arms. Its quite hilarious, actually.)

Paul - Joining the Army:  I'm about to offend several people, I'm sure. Consider that my apology in advance. No Fucking Way, Kid! How are you supposed to live in my basement and mooch off of me when you're 40, if you're off in another country getting shot at? And how am I supposed to sleep at night thinking about it? Wine and melatonin, you're suggesting? Sorry to burst that bubble of yours, son, but by the time you ship yourself off to the military, I'll already have an unhealthy tolerance to that shit. I get that the military selflessly protects and serves our country. I'm a huge supporter of everything you guys do already, (Hoorah, Semper Fi, and all of that) but this is my kiddo we're talking about here. Yeah, the one I carried for 9 excruciating months and birthed. The one that only wants Momma when he's sick, and the kid that wouldn't believe for second that the little scrape on his knee was not actually even bleeding and didn't even hurt unless you kissed it first. (because after you kiss it, it's like it never happened anyway) This is a kid that cries when his sock is crooked on his middle toe. Hey Army, you ready to take this on? You can give it your best shot, but I'll tell you the same thing I tell potential kidnappers (translation: strangers that walk by at the park and tell me I have cute kids), you'll send him back... so really, I don't know what I'm even worried about. By the time he's 18 he may just want to be an administrative assistant or a mailman. 

 Alex - A construction worker. That's right. Because just in case someone gets stuck in a lot of snow, he will just have to use a crane to get them out. He also wants to ride a tractor around town all day long like Bob the Builder and Handy Manny. (Which I'm not completely convinced that they're not the same person anyway. Multiple Personality Disorder?) He also wants to use Legos to build houses because Legos have more colors. Don't come looking for me when a wolf comes and blows your house down. This is HIS career choice, not mine. I sell insurance policies to people that choose these kinds of professions. Let's all say it together.. "Lawsuit!"

Paul - A Police Officer: Of course he wants to be a police officer, because they run around pulling people over and writing tickets and ruining peoples' day. He wants to be a police officer so he can drive a car really fast and use the lights and sirens and all that jazz. He can also get his Happy Meal quicker because he's a cop. (Sorry, cop friends, I think he got that one from his dad)

 Alex - A Police Officer: Well, if his brother wants to be a cop, he does too. Come on, guys. His reasons are a little different than Paul's reasons though. He wants to pull people over and give them MOVIE tickets. He also wants to drive really fast with lights and sirens, but who doesn't? He wants to help people get cats out of trees and wear the bright yellow reflecting sash to help people cross the street. Finally, he LOVES the "costume" police officers get to wear.

Paul - A Lawyer: OK. He doesn't. I want him to be one. I think he would excel in this. He's a  royal freaking smart ass. He can talk his way out of just about ANYTHING. Everything in our house is an argument or a negotiation. After a while of entertaining an argument between your twenty something year old self and the 7 yr old, you give up. He wins. That's an attorney. Plus, it could bring in some dough, as long as he's not one of those "minor traffic violation firms" that charge you fifty bucks to fax over a suggestion that will always get approved because you're a lawyer. He will do the big stuff, like putting bad guys behind bars and saving trees from being turned into to shopping center parking lots, although Target and Walmart could use more parking space.

 Alex - A "Spaceman"(Astronaut): He wants to be a spaceman or woman so that he can fly to space and help feed people. He also says that he doesn't have to be a spaceman. He can be a space woman as well. That way he can bring Phil (our cat). I don't know where he's going with this, except everything he wants to do he thinks that he can do it as a girl too. Trans? Feminist? Lonely cat lady?I'll love him either way, since he'll probably be living in the basement at 40 too. How can you say NO to those faces! He also wants to be a super hero. Not just ANY superhero. ALL of them AT THE SAME TIME. Because duh, you can't wear all the "costumes" at the same time if you have to pick just one superhero. He also wants all of the super powers, not just one. (Just like he can't pick just one profession and work hard for the next 14 years to pursue it)

Paul - A baseball player AND a soccer player: Sure, why not? They're pretty much seasonal jobs, right? Soccer in the... winter? Indoor soccer? Baseball in the spring and summer. He just loves both so much that he can't decide. But you know me, the good mom that says, "You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up and don't let anyone tell you any different." Eeee. Looking back on that statement, I hope this isn't going to really bite me in the ass later on.

Alex has a few more than Paul because Alex is... how do you say....imaginative. Lets call it that for mom blog sake. He wants to be a doctor, and wants to have the babies. So basically a surrogate? I forgot why I taught them to talk. He wants to be a fire fighter so that he can ride on the fire truck and have a dog with dots, and the dog can wear a fire hat too, just like in his coloring book. He wants to be a pilot so he can fly a huge airplane, and an engineer so that he can fix it if it ever runs out of gas. (In case it runs out of gas in the air??) For now, I think that's it, but he's still got  14 years to go. Good Lord!

Taking a poll to see what you guys think of these professions, and which one you would pick! Cast your votes now!

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