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Tuesday, March 5, 2013

10 things I REALLY want for my birthday, because 5 isn't nearly enough.

I  hope I'm not asking too much, and I hope my better half is reading this too. I hope, most of all, that my fellow Super Moms help me out here.

1. I want a clean freaking house. Like, so clean I could lick off of the floors. And walls and ceiling. I know what you're thinking, "But you should be able to already, what with all the ketchup, jelly, butter, cracker crumbs, stuck on cereal, ranch dressing, syrup, milk, juice and everything else that gets stuck to the floor." In that, you would be correct. I COULD lick the floor, ceiling, and walls, except that I've been banned from WebMD, and well, even thinking about what kind of growth and movement happening on the floors gives me the heebie geebies. I mean, for real, there could be an actual town developing down there. Their own Pride Parade and everything! Gaaaaaghhhhhhhhhh! I just want a clean and ORGANIZED house. I know it's probably too much to ask. It's taken me 7 years and counting to organize my house. (post children, of course)

2. A vacuum I can easily use on two flights of stairs. Does this contraption even exist? Yeah, yeah, I know vacuums that you use on the stairs exist, but not easy ones. I want one that really picks up. One that won't require an extra trip to my chiropractor after a Saturday cleaning rampage. You always get tricked on the infomercials too. OMG! I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO HAVE THIS!! I would also like for my kids to come with a switch that can be flipped on when it's time to clean up and vacuum. Instead of dropping extremely small objects (legos, hot wheels, dice, crayon tips) on the floor that I can't pick up with any vacuum in the universe, I'd like a switch that turns my own  boys into rabid little vacuums.

3. I WANT TO SLEEP IN! Remember pre - children when you were able to sleep in until Noon?? I want that back! I'm not greedy,but I just want it for ONE day. One day where I can chill in bed and watch TV and eat chips and relax and not worry about all the things my brats are probably destroying or eating. Mostly eating. Mainly eating bags of marshmallows. What happened to the good ole days where you got to nurse your hangover for the whole day until it was time to go out and drink again?

4. New dishes. I made Angie a list of three things I really wanted for my birthday and this was the first thing on it. I want dishes and glasses that match. I just want things to match. I want to be able to drink out of something that doesn't have a giant picture of spider-man on the side of it.

5. A 5 year supply of red wine. I don't know how I haven't been using this excuse for years already, but its totally anti-aging. I can really see myself becoming addicted though, like botox. Yeah, you read it right. Botox. I'm just vain enough to get addicted to a products like these, so if you see me in an AA meeting, just look the other way. 

6. Dinner with Angie. Steak or Seafood. Somewhere fancy schmancy, quiet, elegant. Just somewhere you're not allowed to bring kids. I want to be able to tell my kids that they are not allowed to go; that it's a grown-up place. So that I'm not lying to them, and don't have to feel like a piece of crappola and be like, "Ha Ha. I get to go out to eat and you get chicken nuggets.. Na Na Na Na Boo Boo."

7. A night out on the town. As parents, we  fall asleep on the couch going through Facebook watching all of our friends get drunk in public. I want to get drunk in public too. I want to sing terrible karaoke, and dance, and pee in an alley. Wait.... too much? Okay, okay. But it would be nice to dress up in one of my girly dresses and find a good local band to rock out to. Like a good cover band of sorts, like one that plays the cool mom music, like Silverchair, and Merle Haggard, and Hole. Not this Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj crap.

8. I want to be the Awesome Super Mom for a day. I want to NOT be a huge billboard that has "public humiliation" written across my forehead when his friends come over. I want him to say to his friends, "Dudes! This is my mom. She is the COOLEST mom on this planet. No, wait. In this UNIVERSE!"  I want his friends to think I'm totally radical too. I think they already do, but I think my kid is trying to get in to their heads. (In case it's not already obvious enough, I'm referring to Paul) At this juncture in our relationship, I am not allowed to stand at the bus stop, or walk him into the school. I get to pull up to the side as he jumps out before I even come to a complete stop. What is with the kids these days? Has it always been this way? Was I like this to my mom or my aunt or their friends? I want to be Super Mom while I sit on the couch and eat whatever goes with chocolate. I want to be Super Mom without having to do anything to earn it.

9. I want the clock to stop for a whole month. Not all day. Just the morning. I want to have time to get the kids dressed, and breakfast eaten, lunch packed, dressed like they didn't just dress themselves (because Mom doesn't have the time or energy to dress them), and get them off to school and preschool. I need to clock to stop mainly for me though. Every time I get my hair done, they show me this super cute, SUPER quick hairstyle. I think, "Awesome! Thank you so much for the hair styling tip! I can totally do this one!!" Until the next morning when it's time to do my hair. "F*** it, I'll try again tomorrow." And it never happens. I want the time and energy to do my hair every morning. I want to paint my nails and spend a little extra time on my self as well. 

10. World Peace. Come on, you can't ask for a  list of birthday gifts without adding this one in. I really do want it though. Maybe sometime I'll write a controversial blog about this topic. Not today though... not today.

If you like these a little bit and want to read more, or if you don't, feel free to comment below. For more quotes, funny things my kids do and say, and funny photos, go like my Facebook page, The Dirt Machines

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