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Friday, February 22, 2013

Dear Karma, Bring lube next time?

Dear Karma,
I can't wait for the day that I get to rip you a new one! Here I am doing laundry in the middle of the night, because I didn't heed your warning. Are you getting jealous of Murphy because he gets a law? Were you just getting lonely? Did you feel like I was avoided you like The Plague? I was. The more I see you, the harder you are getting to swallow.(no pun intended) I do remember the first warning for this visit. This morning when Paul came down stairs saying he didn't feel well. I told him, "NICE TRY. You don't have school today. Snow Day" Which he responded with, "WHAT?? You mean to tell me that we don't even have school and we had to go to bed at normal bedtime hours??" And on with the day we went. The little rugrats were CRAZY today. They both scarfed down chili and drank hot chocolate after playing in the blizzard for an hour, ran around like screaming banchees, etc. etc. etc. Just another normal day (except I really wouldn't know because I hide out at work all day)... UNTIL BEDTIME.... when I got my second warning. He said he didn't feel well. AGAIN. I said, "Don't even try it. You have been playing just fine all day long. Good Night." Nope. Not good night. (Karma, you sniveling, hormonal cunt)
Paul comes into the bedroom and we say, no way Jose, go back up to your room.
"I can't. I just threw up all over my bed."
"Okay, go lay down on the couch."
"I can't. I threw up all over the couch too."
"Okay, go try the deck."
FUUUCCCKKKKK! Now I'm up at midnight disinfecting the bed, the couch, the kid and myself with organic spray that is really just vinegar and lavender oil. (It really is organic, but I really just SAID it to get in with the cool eco - friendly moms)
Now let me tell you how appetizing macaroni and cheese mixed with cherry juice looks at zero dark thirty in the AM. GAAAAGHHHH!!! So, Karma, enough with the subtle signals and "warnings". I would rather my kid just hurl all over my robe, at least then I'm scraping and washing ONE piece of clothing. (I can wash it with all the other miscellaneous pieces that can't be washed with anything else), because being up at midnight washing TWO LOADS of laundry is not so cool. I apologize for bragging about my kids rock hard immune system, but next time could you give me a different kind of warning? Aunt Flo has a good one. She always drops me a little PMS and some chocolate overload before she visits. Maybe a terrifying mirrored message like REDRUM. That would get the point across. Also next time you've got me bent over grabbing my own ankles, make it count; as the clingyness is getting annoying and I would love to end this relationship soon.

P.S. Was it me? I drunk dialed you, didn't I?

Sincerely,
I bet the pleasure was ALL yours...BITCH

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