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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Is the bush greener on the other side?

Interesting title?

I was reading a blog by my favorite mom blogger, Baby Sideburns, and it really got me thinking.

The blog was about how she wished she liked vajayjays. She made alot of valid assumptions, like how your cycles eventually sync up together and how if you find one close enough to your size you can share one AMAZING closet, how you can keep the thermostat on 78 degrees, and how you dont have to worry about falling into the toilet because some A-Hole left the seat up.

Well, Karen, as much as I love you and secretly wished you really DID like the hooha, I'm going to have to burst your bubble on this just a LITTLE bit.

Every day I wake up next to the most beautiful creature on this planet. My partner, the only creature on this planet that has the patience and stomach to WANT to deal with my crazy life and my crazy boys and my crazy mother and on  and on and on and on. But anyone out there that thinks that being in a lesbian relationship and sharing clothes and makeup and purses and being best friends has got it ALL wrong! We are pretty much married. We live together, raise our kids together, never shower together anymore and fight over dishes and cooking, taking the kids to karate, swim and soccer, and the CALENDAR. She half listens to me, says okay, and then says later on, "You never told me that." I wont make myself out to be the saint in the situation. I do the same thing to her. We have one boy running around the house half naked trying to show guests how big his penis gets in the shower, and another one running around dressed like the blue transformer shining a flashlight into your eyes in exchange for a sugary snack. Literally the only time we have to communicate before 9 pm is through text (which we should take advantage of more often due to our often miscommunication). If you  haven't read my introduction yet, it will give you more details on how our days work at the house, and how were pretty much the same as any married straight couple with children.

Next, The CLOSET. This is always a fight. Yes, she gives me 3/4 of the closet, plus the walk in in the guest room / office / storage facility / second playroom / adult hiding spot (because faking IBS doesn't work in my house, because my kids have figured out how to MacGyver their way in to the bathroom), but that's not enough for me. I like her clothes too, but I'm not allowed to wear them. HELL NOOO! If she so much as finds one of her polos on my side of the closet, smoke will almost literally come out of her ears. Anyway, we have SUCH different styles. She likes to be comfortable and wear jeans and t shirts, polos or button downs. I, however, have a full row of dresses. And another row for skirts. And another row for gaudy, floral, lacy tops.

The SYNC - UP! No bueno there! For a while we did sync up, and we thought, "YES! Only one "down" (probably not the best adjective for this discussion) week instead of two!" That's when we were still new, and made time to "bump fur". (that sounded really crass. Ill leave it) Now when we sync up, we both become fierce, raging lunatics. And we don't DARE invite anyone over that is cycling the same time we are. We simply let her know that we are at capacity and to stop by next week. Well have a vodka playdate or something. Now this happens about a week before we start. Angie gives me a certain look when I walk through the door and I think, "Oh good, Ill be starting soon." We stock up on tampons, chocolate, boxes of wine and get ready for the Apocalypse to arrive. We do, however, cuddle up to an entire DVR full of Lifetime movies. (And cry through every opening and closing credit) We cry ALOT as parents, BTW.

And my last two very small points that Ill share really quickly. I don't get to leave the thermostat on 78 degrees. I WISH I could, but she ALWAYS comes behind me, turns it way down and then nags at me about living in an actual oven (Ive thought about sticking her in the oven once or twice). And the toilet seat being left up? I have two (semi) potty trained boys. I say potty trained because it doesn't matter how much older they get, they always have to experiment on how many different ways they can pee, and whats the most efficient way to do it. HOLDING IT! That's how. Not only do we fall into a pee soaked toilet bowl, but we have to smell the walls every morning too. Whatever you do, do not distract a boy that is peeing first thing in the morning.

We do have alot of fun, though. I like to think of her as my soulmate.... and she is my soulmate... the only person on Gods green earth that is capable of my..uh.. lets say personality.

For me the bush is much greener (in a good way?) on the lesbian side, maybe its greener on the OTHER side for some of you, though, and thats okay.

Whether you have a penis or a YaYa, or you're a man with a YaYa, or a woman with a penis, we don't get to pick who we fall in love with. It just happens. When you least expect it to. Trust me.

If you liked this or not, please "Like" and "Share" my Facebook page, Dirt Machines. Maybe someone out there can relate to some of this shit.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you posted about this subject. Coming from a past relationship with a man to being in one with my girlfriend now, I can say the bush is greener. We do PMS at the same time. It's a crabby buffet of all our favorite foods with a side of emotional. We agree to the thermostat being at 73 (usually). We use mens razors and deoderant because they're better. We go too long without shaving our legs because we don't give a shit if we're beastly. We however do not share clothes because she would never where womens clothes. We have different taste, simply. We're both attracted to both sexes so we can discuss that and at the end of the day, we're in love and that's it. Period.