Let me explain-
pregnancy: Im sure all you moms out there can relate. Am I the only one
out there afraid to pee, cough too hard, laugh too hard, or sneeze in
fear that I could harm my pride and joy? How about those Lifetime
movies? The opening credits bring you not only to tears, but a sobbing
mess of emotions. They scare the PISS out of you. But actually, at a
certain point in your pregnancy, EVERYTHING makes you pee a little;
coughing, sneezing, laughing, farting. Am I accurate in this? Anyway, a
movie about someone kidnapping your baby from the hospital and raising
him as their own. I had nightmares about this happening. I still do as a
matter of fact, and my boys are way past being kidnapped from the
birthing floor. One last thing on the subject, is how big you get. I was
a house.. no seriously, a house. More like a mansion overlooking an
ocean. (because everything made me pee)
a picture of me only 7 months pregnant with Paul. I gained 74 pounds
with this one, and 72 with the other. I was a MANSION. I thought he was
going to kick his foot right through my belly button at times.
birth: You think laughing too hard or sneezing will accidentally harm
your blessing? HOLY CANOLI, how am I going to push this 9 lb human being
through my BODY without harming him?? Thats how it works though. Alot
of drugs (because I wasn't going to be naive and kid myself) and alot of
pushing and praying and looking over your doctors credentials one last
time is how it happens.
where the real nervous disorder comes into play though. After the
sleeping, eating and pooping, they start MOVING! They roll over, and
crawl, climb and walk. Then they walk into things. They fall off of the
furniture it took them 15 minutes to climb onto. It doesn't matter how
many times they fall and get hurt, and get bumps and bruises, it's
always like the first time! They start to scream and you panic. But just
as you reach for the phone to dial 911, they just stop. They repeat
this process over and over again. You repeat your process over and over
again. I could write a novel about all the bumps and bruises and scrapes
and goose eggs, but I'll tell you about my UNLUCKY shirt instead.
few months ago (wearing my unlucky shirt), I come home to find out that
my 7 year old fell off of his scooter and dislocated his elbow. Of
course it took a xanax and a glass of wine before anyone will tell me
that he's on his way to the hospital. We beat the ambulance there, BTW.
(I did not drive) After the normal questions that the doctors ask you in
the ER (did you push him down the stairs, twist his arm off, duct tape
him to a wall and beat him) you know, those questions, we found that
he's double jointed in both elbows. Maybe this is a little drastic, but
for while I couldn't take my eyes off of his limbs or let him walk
around by himself.
week (wearing my unlucky shirt) my 4 year old runs into the corner of
his dresser and gashes his head open. Of course I wasn't told about this
one either. (until I arrived home and saw blood ALL OVER his clothes) I
panic! And I don't take my eyes off of his skull or let him walk or
sleep by himself for a while.
know what the best part is?? There is only MORE to come! And then
girlfriends or boyfriends. Maybe a pregnancy scare or two. I literally
cannot wait for them to have children of their own. Holy Crap! I sound
like MY parent.
I wish I could stay and chat all day, but my kids are moving around and Lifetime is on my TV.
you like these a little bit and want to read more, or if you don't,
feel free to comment below. For more quotes, funny things my kids do and
photos, go like my Facebook page, The Dirt Machines