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Wednesday, February 20, 2013

My children gave me IBS and a nervous disorder.

Let me explain-
The pregnancy: Im sure all you moms out there can relate. Am I the only one out there afraid to pee, cough too hard, laugh too hard, or sneeze in fear that I could harm my pride and joy? How about those Lifetime movies? The opening credits bring you not only to tears, but a sobbing mess of emotions. They scare the PISS out of you. But actually, at a certain point in your pregnancy, EVERYTHING makes you pee a little; coughing, sneezing, laughing, farting. Am I accurate in this? Anyway, a movie about someone kidnapping your baby from the hospital and raising him as their own. I had nightmares about this happening. I still do as a matter of fact, and my boys are way past being kidnapped from the birthing floor. One last thing on the subject, is how big you get. I was a house.. no seriously, a house. More like a mansion overlooking an ocean. (because everything made me pee)

Here's a picture of me only 7 months pregnant with Paul. I gained 74 pounds with this one, and 72 with the other. I was a MANSION. I thought he was going to kick his foot right through my belly button at times.
The birth: You think laughing too hard or sneezing will accidentally harm your blessing? HOLY CANOLI, how am I going to push this 9 lb human being through my BODY without harming him?? Thats how it works though. Alot of drugs (because I wasn't going to be naive and kid myself) and alot of pushing and praying and looking over your doctors credentials one last time is how it happens.
Here's where the real nervous disorder comes into play though. After the sleeping, eating and pooping, they start MOVING! They roll over, and crawl, climb and walk. Then they walk into things. They fall off of the furniture it took them 15 minutes to climb onto. It doesn't matter how many times they fall and get hurt, and get bumps and bruises, it's always like the first time! They start to scream and you panic. But just as you reach for the phone to dial 911, they just stop. They repeat this process over and over again. You repeat your process over and over again. I could write a novel about all the bumps and bruises and scrapes and goose eggs, but I'll tell you about my UNLUCKY shirt instead.
A few months ago (wearing my unlucky shirt), I come home to find out that my 7 year old fell off of his scooter and dislocated his elbow. Of course it took a xanax and a glass of wine before anyone will tell me that he's on his way to the hospital. We beat the ambulance there, BTW. (I did not drive) After the normal questions that the doctors ask you in the ER (did you push him down the stairs, twist his arm off, duct tape him to a wall and beat him) you know, those questions, we found that he's double jointed in both elbows. Maybe this is a little drastic, but for while I couldn't take my eyes off of his limbs or let him walk around by himself. 

Last week (wearing my unlucky shirt) my 4 year old runs into the corner of his dresser and gashes his head open. Of course I wasn't told about this one either. (until I arrived home and saw blood ALL OVER his clothes) I panic! And I don't take my eyes off of his skull or let him walk or sleep by himself for a while.
You know what the best part is?? There is only MORE to come! And then girlfriends or boyfriends. Maybe a pregnancy scare or two. I literally cannot wait for them to have children of their own. Holy Crap! I sound like MY parent.
I wish I could stay and chat all day, but my kids are moving around and Lifetime is on my TV.
If you like these a little bit and want to read more, or if you don't, feel free to comment below. For more quotes, funny things my kids do and photos, go like my Facebook page, The Dirt Machines

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